10 Things to Do If You Absolutely, Positively Do Not Want to Date Me

1. Play World of Warcraft. A lot.

2. Treat me like I'm your mother. Go ahead, leave your dirty socks and underwear laying around. Leave the dirty dishes for me to wash. And then go find someone else to work out your Oedipal issues on.

3. Blame me for everything. Tell your friends "the boss" or "the warden" won't let you go out, when really you're just too busy sitting on the couch watching TV with your hand in your sweats a lá Al Bundy. Tell me my cooking is the reason you sharted in your pants. Tell me I'm responsible for your sad, sad life.

4. Be a slob. Leave your toenail clippings on the table, leave the toilet unflushed, or do that nifty little man-trick where you cover one nostril and blow the other one in the shower. That's hot.

5. Let your ego write checks your body can't cash. The vibrator was the fifth domestic appliance to be electrified for a reason.

6. Stalk me. Leave a million messages and emails. Flood my Facebook with endless comments. Google me. I'll get the cc on how pathetic you are.

7. Lie. Sadly, this eliminates at least 2/3 of the dating pool.

8. Snore. Not just regular snoring, übersnoring. Snoring that deserves its own train schedule. Snoring so loud that I'll still hear it through the pillow I press against your face while you sleep.

9. Embrace your inner caveman. Become one with your nose hair. Let your eyebrow grow until it covers your bald spot. But be warned: men's lack of basic grooming skills is an open invitation for women to do the same. Now make nice with the Bic before we all look like a bunch of sheepdogs.

10. Cheat on me. Hell hath no fury like Lorena Bobbit.